8 Years

8 years of

missing you.

not truly accepting that you are gone.

losing my mind to my anxiety. 

trying to get over it. 

having a hard time understanding.

being scared of things I cannot control.

lots of ups and downs.

looking for reason.

feeling lost.

I know people lose the ones they love every single day. It hurts and it sucks. I've spent the last 8 years trying to pretend nothing is wrong. Since October 26, 2006 I've tried to hide truth. I started getting bad anxiety once Danny left for Iraq the first time. Since then I've always been afraid of things that are out of my control and still to this day I am. I thought this is just stupid and it will pass. I can control it. I'm officially exhausted, Worry has taken over my life. I always think the worst in every situation and always trying to prepare for it. It's never ending. It's not a great way to live and I feel like it's not a healthy way to live for my boys, all three of them. I panic over every little thing. So soon I will seek help for it. I've decided its a serious issue and even if I think it's stupid it's real. I will be happy again, I need to be positive for my family. Daddy I miss you, and soon I will finally mourn our loss and celebrate your life. I love you. You are my HERO! 

Painting

I've found a new hobby. By no means am I a pro at painting, so I used pinterest and you tube tutorials on canvas painting. I love how relaxing it is. Here's what I have done so far. 

This month my hubby and I have a paint date, super excited. 

Do you paint? Is it relaxing for you?

Wishing I was Super Mom

Dear Supermom,

How do you do it? Do you exist? I’ve officially lost my mom touch and need help. I’m huge on stressing about the little stuff and it’s taking control of my life. A few days before my birthday in August I found out what was causing me to feel so drained and out of it. I woke up with serious back pain, I cried when I walked. Finally decided to go to the E.R, which was very hard for me since we still had no health care since getting out of the Army. Apparently I had a kidney infection, long story short I just finished my 3^rd round of antibiotics a few days ago and I still feel like crap. I keep telling myself it could be worse. I feel like this is NO excuse for me to have lost my touch as a mother, wife and friend. I know people who are hurting more than me and getting lots done and make it look easy. So my question again to the supermoms, how do you do it? I cannot even keep my little apartment tidy. I barely cook dinner anymore. When I’m home and with my boys it does not feel like I’m with them. I’ve not done crafts with my boys. I feel like I’m faking a smile all the time. I’m so tired, and it’s sad. My husband does more than I do now, I’ve stopped caring about things and that scares me. Do I just suck it up and move on? Is it just a phase?

#readytobemeagain

Missing the Army

I was born into a military family and then married my best friend who became a soldier. The Army way of life is all I know, and when my husband decided to get out I was sacred but happy at the same time. The best thing about his decision for me was not having to worry about deployments anymore. Already doing two one year deployments, and losing my dad in Iraq I was very happy about not having to worry about that anymore. That's all I was happy about and any struggle in the civilian world is worth not losing another loved one overseas, and having him home.

 I miss everything else. I miss the smell, my husband would remind me of my dad coming home from the motor pool, I just always called it the army smell, and I miss it. The uniform, loved seeing my man in uniform. The health care, guess in a way I was spoiled my entire life always having health care and free medicine. I don't have any health care right now and it's a very scary uneasy feeling, totally sucks. I miss the sounds of the soldiers marching and doing cadence. Miss the sound of the guys being in the field and hearing all the artillery rounds. I miss the people, it was so easy to make friends we always had so much in common. I have amazing friends because of the Army. Those are just a few things I miss. 

I do want to say that I'm very proud of my husband for serving. I love you!

It's okay

It’s OKAY 

That I’m not perfect 

That I cry when I’m upset.

 That most days I don’t want to cook dinner, but do anyways 

That I want to sleep in longer and to be totally jealous of my 3 year old who sleeps in

 That I LOVE my sweets

 That I am super organized in my head but can’t seem to get past that

 That I look forward to bedtime most days because I’m exhausted

 That I feel horrible about being so tired, and not spending more one on one time with my husband 

To share things about it works all the time, why not share something you believe in

 That I have no idea where we will be a year from now

 To go to therapy

 To stress about health care I no longer have

 To miss my dogs

 That my son had goldfish for breakfast

  To start watching a show on Netflix just to feel like I have a say on what we watch and it not be cartoons all day 

That my apartment is messy more days then it is clean 

To wish I had never traded my car for the truck

 To still be nursing Mason because he’s my last baby and I don’t want him to grow up yet 

That I signed up for a 5k that I may end up walking because I suck at running 

To wish I could get advice from my dad 

To pray every day for my mom’s health, and be scared to death to lose her 

To be happy about talking with old friends again, really missed it 

To blog whenever I want just to get things off my chest

War with my 3 year old

        My 3 year old has won the war of food. I guess I'm weak.  I lasted less then a week. I finally gave up because I turned into a mean monster. I found myself yelling at him from pure frustration. I broke down and cried and felt like the worst mother ever. Aiden would either cry the whole time at the table, fall asleep at the table, or just plain out ignore me all together. Did not help my mood having Mason throwing pasta all over the place and being very loud. I made mac and cheese (one of Aiden's favorites). This time however without his knowledge I made whole wheat mac and cheese, I was nervous when I put on his plate since it was just a little darker in color but not by much. Aiden instantly noticed and would not touch it. That was it, I blew and he got in trouble and I felt so bad after being so upset. I felt stupid being upset over mac and cheese. That's when I decided I will just keep making the green smoothies, and other sneaky things I've done in the past so he can get some veggies, and hope one day he will come around. I'm just not strong enough for this fight.

 

Mommy: 0, Aiden: 1

Close Quarters

At the beginning of the year we will be headed to San Antonio. This month we decided to move out of our 3 bedroom rented home into a one bedroom apartment.  Moving out earlier will save us a little money to help with travel down to San Antonio and less stress dealing with packers and cleaning the house. This one bedroom is fully furnished and is tiny. I keep telling myself its only a month. Going from a house to an apartment is such a difference.  The walls are so thin. Our first night I heard ESPN clear as day from the neighbor and a few nights later while lying in bed I was trying to figure out which episode of Family Guy they were watching.  Again its only a month. As a family we spend a lot of time together but now we can't escape each other. This weekend we got snow and lots of ice making it stupid to travel in town. Cabin fever sets in much faster when we are in such close quarters. Its only a month. Okay I'm done complaining.  Our new lives begin so soon and I'm excited for the hard part to be over and be settled in.